Dear Diary
by Lindoreda
Summary: I started my blog in sophomore year of high school. During the three years that I actively wrote, only one person ever commented on my posts. I fell in love with this formless, anonymous individual. I’m such a fool. Zemyx. AU.


AN: This one shot has been in the works for about a month. Niffstral liked it a lot, and I actually like it too, for once. This fic takes the form of entries in Demyx's blog. You may notice that Demyx uses almost no chatspeak. That's intentional. I tried to copy livejournal's format, but ffnet monkeyed with it. You should be able to identify Demyx's commenter by his username, which is taken from an accessory in 358/2 Days. **I recommend keeping an eye on the openings and endings in Demyx's blog posts (Dear ..., -Nocturne, etc). The changes are important.** Can you guess where the title comes from? No, it's not from how Demyx starts his posts.

Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts.

* * *

Diaries help kids (and adults) because they can talk about their troubles without being judged. If you feel like someone is listening, it's easier to get through the day. Blogs are just diaries that everyone with an Internet connection can read. Somebody really is listening. It could be lots of somebodies. But it doesn't matter that they're reading about your private life, because the Internet is anonymous. They don't know who you are, and you don't know who they are. They might judge you, but that's okay, because they don't know what they're talking about. They don't know you.

I just needed to vent when I started my blog. I didn't really care if someone read it or not. I guess, subconsciously, I must have wanted someone to read it. Otherwise, I would've just written it on paper, instead of putting it in such a public place. I started my blog in sophomore year of high school. During the three years that I actively wrote, only one person ever commented on my posts. As far as I could tell, that person was the only reader that I had.

He commented on every single post. He was my shoulder to cry on, the one I could go to for advice, the first person I would tell when something good happened… He always knew what to say to cheer me up, without relieving me of responsibility when I was obviously the one in the wrong. He took the place of my best friend, and I didn't know what he looked like, what his name was, or anything else about him, other than what little he would share. I only knew that he was male because he said so, and he could have been lying about that. There's no need to be honest on the Internet, after all.

I fell in love with this formless, anonymous individual. I'm such a fool.

* * *

6 September 2006 5:25 PM

**First Entry**

Dear Diary,

It's my birthday today.

Today was my first day at my new high school. They made me go through Orientation with the freshmen. I try to stay positive, but… urgh. They're supposed to make us feel better about it, but the principal and the counselors just make it all sound so much scarier. I'm actually not all that freaked out. High school is just middle school with harder classes and bigger bodies, and I've already done a year of it. I wasn't scared going in. It was those counselors, talking about an hour of homework each night for each class. That is such BS. There's no way they expect us to have seven hours of homework a night.

Am I supposed to become a hermit in order to finish all of that homework? It wasn't like that at my other school.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-09-07 4:00 PM

No high school expects hermitage of its' students. They just want to put the fear of God in you.

Happy birthday.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-09-07 8:00 PM

Thanks. :) lol I actually have a reader.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

30 September 2006 11:00 PM

**Second Entry**

Dear Diary,

When we moved away from our hometown, my best friend and I promised to keep in touch, but I haven't heard from him in four months… I hope nothing happened to him.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-10-01 10:21 AM

I'm sure he's fine.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-10-01 9:32 PM

Thanks. I hope so too.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

10 October 2006 6:00 PM

**Third Entry**

Dear Diary,

Yeah, those counselors were totally lying. I'm pretty okay with that, though. I'd rather not spend my life on homework and studying. I changed school districts during the summer, so I don't know anyone yet, but it's going okay. I've met some nice people through band. I didn't join any clubs. It just… seems kind of awkward, ya know? Everyone else already knows each other, and it feels like I'm intruding. I know that not everyone knows each other yet, but… I dunno. Most people think I'm really outgoing and confident, but that's just an act. I'm not either.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-10-10 11:01 PM

You've probably heard this before, but clubs are a good way to meet people. It's certainly awkward at first, but that goes away in time. How do you think it is that "everyone else already knows each other?" You don't have to be confident or outgoing. You just have to be brave. I know it's difficult.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-10-11 7:20 AM

I know you're right. I know. I'm still gonna whine about how hard it is. Here goes.

It's soooo haaaaardddd!

Okay, that's done. Thanks for caring.

(Reply to this post)

Lose your Illusion

2006-10-11 8:32 PM

Work hard. I'll be here behind you.

(Reply to this Post)

Nocturne

2006-10-12 12:25 AM

…Wow. A nice person on the Internet. Weird.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2006-10-12 6:35 AM

Hmph.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

21 October 2006 7:51 PM

**You Talked Me Into It…**

…So you'd better take responsibility. I joined a band (when I mentioned band before, I meant the school band; this is different). I play a lot of instruments pretty well, though my favorite is my sitar. Do you know what a sitar is? ;)

I play bass in the band, because it's underappreciated. Respect the moving bass lines!

Anyway, I've got nicknames for the other band members, in case they ever find this. Red is the guitarist, Blondie is the singer, and Silverfish is the drummer. They're pretty cool.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-10-21 9:49 PM

A sitar is an instrument of Indian origin, with six or seven playable strings, and a number of "sympathetic strings," which run over the frets.

…Those nicknames all came from their hair colors, didn't they?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-10-22 9:53 AM

…Are you some kind of encyclopedia?

Damn. You've uncovered the secret to my code. I have no choice… you must die.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2006-10-22 4:05 PM

Search engines exist for a reason. Not that I needed one.

Catch me if you can.

(Reply to this Post)

* * *

05 November 2006 8:24 AM

**First Gig**

Dear Diary,

We had our first gig last night! It was pretty small, but it wasn't outside, so I can't complain. It got seriously cold out! October 31 turned into November 1, and suddenly the temp. dropped by 20 degrees! Brrrr. That can't be good for our instruments.

It's been five months since my best friend said he would keep in touch. What the hell?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-11-05 1:50 PM

…How could you possibly have enough songs already to make a reasonable show?

Keeping in touch goes both ways. You could try to contact him.

(Reply to this Post)

Nocturne

2006-11-05 6:34 PM

They'd already written a bunch of songs before I joined. They were just looking for a bass player. I also happen to be a musical genius. ;)

I _have_ tried to contact him! He won't reply to my emails, and he won't pick up the phone when I call. I know other people from that area but they won't tell me anything.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2006-11-06 6:09 AM

How interesting that your whole hometown is involved. That doesn't really change the fact that he's either avoiding you, or in a situation where he can't answer. If you lived in a small town, their acts of concealment could mean either. Is there a reason why he might go out of his way to avoid you?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-11-06 8:03 AM

…There is a reason. But I can't talk about it yet.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2006-11-06 4:13 PM

As long as you know that there's a reason.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

28 November 2006 4:34 PM

**Sister**

Dear Diary.

My sister almost found out about you today. It's not like I say anything here that could be a problem, but… I don't think I'd feel comfortable writing here if I knew that someone close to me was reading it. As long as I didn't know though, it would be fine. The anonymity of the Internet suits me just fine. What do you think, Illusion?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-11-28 10:32 PM

I could be someone that you know, and neither of us would ever know. We're better off that way. Things would become awkward if we learned that we knew each other IRL.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-11-29 7:53 AM

True 'dat. Stay awesome.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2006-11-29 3:59 PM

Was there any doubt?

(Reply to this post)

* * *

28 December 2006 1:23 PM

**Holiday Madness**

Dear Diary,

It's been a month since I last wrote… But I've been pretty busy. The holidays came, as you know, and I couldn't touch my computer for more than five mins. at a time. It's been craaaaazy. My relatives are all nuts. If they're not getting drunk, they're comparing their kids. My mom goes for the wine, and my dad talks about my music. That's really the only area that I've done anything in, so it's all he has to work with. But he's proud, I think. I don't get into trouble, I'm making friends, and my grades are improving. It's all thanks to you, Illusion.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2006-12-28 5:26 PM

I hardly think that I have done anything worth thanking me for. I certainly have nothing to do with your grades improving.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2006-12-28 9:37 PM

That's not true! Just knowing that someone is listening has really taken my stress away, so I don't worry anymore. I just do what needs doing. It really is because of you.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2006-12-29 7:48 AM

I suppose I will accept your thanks, then. You're welcome.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

1 January 2007 12:01 AM

**3…2…1…**

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-01-01 12:04 AM

And what are your resolutions for the New Year?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-01-01 12:10 AM

Don't make me think. Please? And anyway, I know that I wouldn't do them, so why make resolutions?

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-01-01 12:20 AM

Well, at least you know that about yourself…

(Reply to this post)

* * *

15 January 2007 4:47 PM

**School**

Dear Diary,

Break's over. School's back on. Finals are rearing their ugly heads. Everyone's pretty freaked out about them. It's just a big test, though. We can take 'em.

Red doesn't think so. He's a senior, so he thinks he knows what he's talking about. Silverfish is a junior, and he thinks Red is full of… something. Blondie's a freshman, and he doesn't know what to think. I've taken finals before, but never at this school. Should I believe Red, or Silverfish?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-01-15 8:48 PM

Prepare yourself properly, and you'll do fine. The opinion of others on the difficulty of finals depends on their own levels of preparedness. Red may have gone into his first finals with a cocky attitude, and then bombed. Silverfish may have prepared well in advance, and found his finals to be easy as a result. I can't say for certain, of course.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-01-16 7:39 AM

lol. That sounds about right. I guess I'll be disappearing until finals are done, then.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-01-16 3:59 PM

Good luck.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

1 February 2007 8:03 AM

**Ha.**

Dear Diary,

Finals are done, and I kicked their asses. I showed Red my grades, 'cause he refused to believe me without them. If my life were a cartoon, I think his jaw would've hit the ground. Blondie did well too. So yeah, Red feels like an idiot now. I on the other hand feel like a genius. I've never done as well in school as I am right now. I've made some other friends, too. I just wish that a certain someone would grow some balls and call me.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-02-01 6:13 PM

Good work. Doing well right away gives you a safety net later on.

I take it your best friend is still avoiding you, or otherwise indisposed? Don't give up on him. If he sees that you're still trying, he might give in at some point, assuming that he's avoiding you of course.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-02-02 8:09 AM

Yeah… No matter what I do, no one will let me talk to him. They won't even tell me how he's doing.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-02-02 5:42 PM

Perhaps he wants to make a clean break. It might be hard for you to truly enjoy your new life if you can't let go of something from the old one.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-02-02 10:36 PM

It's not like I moved away forever…

(Reply to this post)

* * *

14 February 2007 7:26 AM

**Hearts and Chocolates**

Dear Diary,

It's Valentines Day. Not that Valentines Day means anything to me. I don't have anyone that I like that way, and I seriously doubt that anyone thinks of me like that. Yay for Hallmark Holidays. Let's spend money on the people we love, because that's the only way to show that we care.

I sorta hate this holiday. You can probably tell. It was okay in grade school, when they made you give a valentine to everyone. I'd have so much candy after that… Mmmmmm… Candy. Why can't we do that again?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-02-14 7:58 AM

Some people use Valentines Day for genuine reasons. The saint for whom it is named helped young men and women marry in secret, because their ruler thought that married men made poor soldiers, and outlawed marriage. If you think about the history, it is a genuinely romantic holiday.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-02-14 4:57 PM

…You really are an encyclopedia.

…

…Are you a male or female encyclopedia?

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-02-14 6:59 PM

Hmph. Obviously a male encyclopedia.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

2 March 2007 9:06 PM

**Doing Well**

Dear Diary,

The band I joined is getting more gigs lately. We might even have a gig outside of town soon. I'm pretty excited. Other than that, everything else is pretty normal. My sister and her boyfriend broke up again, but they'll be back together soon. Mmmmmm…. Masochism.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-03-02 11:12 PM

If you're excited, why didn't you type that post in all caps, or use exclamation points? Isn't that what excited people do on the Internet?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-03-03 7:24 AM

I'm pretty sure you'd leave if I started typing in all caps, since you seem to be the only intelligent person on the Internet.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-03-03 7:25 PM

An intelligent person wouldn't devote his time to trolling a 16-year-old's blog.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-03-04 6:56 AM

I'm pretty sure that what you've been doing doesn't count as trolling.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-03-04 8:02 AM

Perhaps not.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

23 March 2007 5:38 PM

**6 Months**

Dear Diary,

Between my last post and this one, we reached the six-month mark. I have officially been complaining about my life on the Internet for six months. Has it really been that long? I can't really believe it. Six months ago, I just needed a place to tell someone about what's bothering me, but now… I dunno. I don't need something to be bothering me. I just want someone to know that I'm doing okay. Is that weird?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-03-24 8:56 AM

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-03-24 9:04 AM

…Was there supposed to be text in that post?

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-03-24 4:12 PM

No. I just wanted you to know that I'd seen your post, but had nothing to say.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-03-24 6:57 PM

…Weirdo.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

4 April 2007 4:12 PM

**OMG**

Dear Diary,

It's raining! Actually, scratch that. It's pouring. We were supposed to have an outdoor gig today, but it was cancelled because of the weather. Red is pissed, but I don't mind. It's nice when it rains. Afterwards, the sky is so clear, and everything looks so green. So our gig was cancelled. At least it was cancelled for a good reason.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-04-04 9:37 PM

It's raining where I am too. My little sister is outside playing in it.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-04-04 9:40 PM

…That late at night? How old is she?

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-04-05 12:34 AM

She's 8. She ran outside in her pajamas.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-04-05 7:34 AM

Cute. :) Hope she doesn't get sick.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

7 May 2007 5:50 PM

**Eheh…**

Dear Diary,

I've got nothing. Life is normal. I've got friends, but not the one that I really want. I don't get beaten up, but I'm not popular. Classes are fine. I really don't have anything to say that I haven't already said. I'm okay, like I said before. And that's all I am.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-05-07 6:00 PM

Are you really okay? Did something happen?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-05-08 7:36 AM

I'll live.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

9 June 2007 10:54 AM

**I Just Noticed…**

…That today is your birthday, Illusion. Happy Birthday. I'm glad that you found my blog, even if it's pointless. My finals start Monday. I'll do fine, right?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-06-09 12:09 PM

Thank you. Yes, you'll do fine. Was there ever any doubt?

(Reply to this post)

* * *

25 June 2007 2:34 PM

**Now I know…**

…Why no one would tell me anything. Last weekend, my family and I went back to our hometown, to see all of our friends. He's not there. A week after we moved, his family moved too. No one knows where they went. They weren't hiding him from me… they honestly didn't know where he was. Maybe, wherever he is, he can't answer his phone, or check his email. Why didn't he tell me?

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-06-25 5:51 PM

He didn't want you to know. It's that simple. Only you or he can say why he wouldn't want you to know.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-06-25 7:32 PM

Thanks, I guess.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

4 July 2007 1:50 PM

**Fireworks**

Dear Diary,

Yeah. Going to see fireworks. It's not the same without him. I wouldn't be going if my sister weren't making me. I probably wouldn't even go outside, if not for her, and the band. We're actually getting pretty popular. We've done a bunch of shows out of town now. Red and Silverfish are really happy about it. Blondie told me that it's because they've been trying for years. I'm glad that I was able to help, I guess. I'm just there to play music.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-07-04 3:26 PM

Get out of the house. Moping never did anyone any good. Frolic, or something.

…Actually, never mind. Don't frolic. You're too young.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-07-04 4:56 PM

…Yup, you're weird. That's okay, though.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-07-04 5:43 PM

I'm glad my weirdness meets with your approval.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

13 August 2007 12:45 PM

**Band**

Dear Illusion,

Our band is called Tears of Flame, by the way. You probably haven't heard of us unless you live within a few towns of me.

…But, if you have, now you know who I am. You'd know where I live, and what my name is, how many pets I have, and the real names of Red, Blondie and Silverfish.

-Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-08-13 3:30 PM

Are you trying to scare me away? I'm afraid I've never heard of Tears of Flame, and I won't be looking it up. It's important to me that neither of us knows who the other is. I can only lend an ear as long as you are comfortable with me listening.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-08-13 4:22 PM

I should've guessed. You really are… the only nice person on the Internet.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-08-13 5:58 PM

…I'm not half so nice as you choose to believe.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

5 September 2007 7:30 AM

**Back to School**

Dear Diary,

I start my junior year today. Red graduated at the end of last year, but he's going to a local technical college, so the band didn't break up. Silverfish is actually planning on going to "a real college" as he puts it, so our future is still kinda up in the air. Hearing them talk about what they want to do makes me a little envious. What do I want to do? I want to play music for the rest of my life, but can I live like that? You have to be really good to live comfortably. I just… don't know.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-09-05 4:21 PM

You should do what you want. Being realistic about your future is something best done when you're older. For now, dream, and work hard to achieve your dream. The rest will follow naturally.

Happy Birthday tomorrow.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-09-06 7:03 AM

I waited until my actual birthday to reply. :) Thanks. You always know what to say.

…How old are you, anyway?

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-09-06 8:01 AM

My age is between 12 and 50. Does that help?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-09-06 4:13 PM

…Not really.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

19 September 2007 9:23 PM

**Wow…**

Dear Diary,

I just realized that it's been more than a year since I started this blog, and it's been a year and four months since I last talked to my best friend. It's weird to still call him that, since he obviously doesn't think of me that way anymore, but I can't help it. We became friends in preschool. Compared to the time that we've spent together, spending a year apart is nothing.

…But it still hurts, and it's all my fault. I should've valued our friendship enough to realize where the limits were. I thought that, because we were so close, he of all people wouldn't mind… that I'm gay. He was the first person I came out to. I told him right before we left. He just stared at me. I don't think he even heard what I said after that. I guess… he must hate me.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-09-19 11:47 PM

If your friendship survived for that long, the matter of your sexuality shouldn't have been enough to destroy it completely. You never would have told him if you'd thought that he would respond poorly. Your timing might have been a little off, though. That wasn't a situation where you gave him much time to get over the initial shock. It could be that now, he's simply too embarrassed to talk to you, after how he reacted. You haven't given up on him, right?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-09-20 6:49 AM

I never thought of it that way before… I'm glad I told you, Illusion. Of course I haven't given up! He's the most important person in the world to me. But, if he won't talk to me because I'm gay, then there isn't much that I can do. I can't just stop being gay.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-09-20 8:01 AM

If that really is the reason why he stopped talking to you, then you are well rid of him. But, until you know that for certain, persevere.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

31 October 2007 2:24 PM

**Halloween**

Dear Diary,

We're doing a show on Halloween this year, so obviously, we have to play in costume. Silverfish and Blondie don't like the theme at all, but I don't mind it. It was Red's idea, I swear. Okay, so the theme for our costumes is pretty standard, just… not for guys. It's Disney Princesses. Silverfish strangled Red pretty successfully when he told us. I'm Sleeping Beauty, Blondie is Cinderella, Red is Ariel (we made him wear the dress instead of the clam-shell bra) and Silverfish is Belle (though he has to wear a wig). I don't really have a problem with cross-dressing. It's Halloween. Who cares?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-10-31 5:14 PM

…He wanted to wear the clamshell bra. You certainly have made some interesting friends. I suppose Red must be very comfortable in his sexuality. When you say that you don't have a problem with cross-dressing, I suspect that you mean that you don't care enough to argue.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-11-01 7:37 AM

Red is flaming gay, so yeah, I'd say he's comfortable with that.

…How did you know? Is my laziness really that transparent?

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-11-01 3:56 PM

…He hasn't made a move on you, has he?

You started a blog to complain about your life, and then posted entries inconsistently, frequently without complaining at all. If you're not lazy, what are you?

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-11-01 6:45 PM

What? No. Red knows that I already like someone else. I think he's got his eye on Blondie, actually.

…You've got me. But I really only have one thing to complain about, and we've been all over that topic.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-11-01 8:01 PM

On Valentines Day, you said that there wasn't anyone that you liked.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-11-01 9:45 PM

…Damn you, and your super memory.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-11-02 6:50 AM

Heh.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

29 November 2007 2:36 PM

**…****My Family is Crazy**

They really should seek help. Is it normal to wake up the day after Thanksgiving to find most of your relatives passed out drunk on the couch or the floor? I had the job of cleaning up after them. Ugh. I try to keep positive, but seriously. Alcoholism is just not smart. At least they're not angry drunks, or flirtatious drunks. They mostly just reminisce and sleep. I wonder…

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-11-29 4:30 PM

Don't wonder. You'll find out eventually what kind of drunk you are. Don't do anything to hurry that along.

(Reply to this post)

Nocturne

2007-11-29 5:02 PM

What are you, my dad?

Jk, jk. I don't think you have to worry.

(Reply to this post)

Lose Your Illusion

2007-11-30 8:45 AM

Good.

(Reply to this post)

* * *

27 December 2007 9:32 PM

**Holidays Never Die**

Dear Diary,

We did a show on Christmas. Urgh. Holiday shows suck. Rock covers of Christmas songs are just wrong. I'm so sick of the holidays. I used to get really into the spirit, until I drove my sister crazy. I just don't want to any more. I know, I know. I'm too young to be this jaded. This time of the year just makes me want to forget.

…Unless I get things sorted out, I'm gonna end up just like my relatives. That's kind of… scary.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2007-12-27 10:15 PM

Holidays seem to be a problem for you. Is it because everyone else is happy, while you're not? Or perhaps, is it because you put on a happy face for your friends and relatives, but it seems so fake compared to theirs?

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Nocturne

2007-12-27 11:50 PM

…I gotta ask, how did you think that up? I can see why you would think that I'm sad, but why wouldn't I show it?

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Lose Your Illusion

2007-12-28 3:24 AM

Because you need this blog to vent, so that you can put on your happy face. You don't want anyone to think that you're not perfectly fine. Why should you make them worry, when there are people with much worse problems about there? You wouldn't want to be selfish. You'd rather bitch and moan to someone that you don't know than let the people who actually care about you know that you're suffering.

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Nocturne

2007-12-28 7:27 AM

…You've got it all wrong.

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Lose Your Illusion

2007-12-28 9:03 AM

Enlighten me.

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Nocturne

2007-12-28 9:34 AM

I'm just a normal person with normal problems. I should be able to choose how I handle them, shouldn't I? Is there something wrong with not wanting to worry people?

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Lose Your Illusion

2007-12-28 10:00 AM

No one should have to suffer alone.

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Nocturne

2007-12-28 10:07 AM

Yeah well, I lost the only person that I could really talk to. He'd always make me tell him what was wrong. I could never fool him. Sometimes, I wish I could've fooled him. I always made him worry. I wonder if that's why he won't talk to me.

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Lose Your Illusion

2007-12-28 10:22 AM

I doubt it. He's probably worried now. He doesn't know if you have someone else to talk to.

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Nocturne

2007-12-28 11:57 AM

Great. Just want I wanted.

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* * *

9 June 2008 7:29 AM

…**Sorry.**

Dear Illusion,

I'm back. I have more excuses than I have time, so I'll keep it short. I was afraid that you knew me IRL. Some of the stuff you said scared me. How could you know that without knowing me, I wondered. But, I know better now. I feel safe enough to post here again. I probably sound super paranoid, but, well… You know why I don't want anyone to know about this.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-06-09 8:26 AM

You want them to think that you're just one of those people who doesn't get sad. If that's what you want, then I will continue to enable you.

Thank you for the birthday wishes. No, I will not tell you how old I am.

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Nocturne

2008-06-09 3:56 PM

Awwwww…. Why not?

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-06-09 4:39 PM

Because, it would take away from my air of mystery. I've already given up a good chunk of that by telling you my gender.

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Nocturne

2008-06-09 5:12 PM

…Air of mystery, huh? It seems weird to say this, but you've gotta be a teenager. Adults just don't say stuff like that.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-06-09 6:41 PM

…Hmph.

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* * *

1 July 2008 3:08 PM

**Urgh…**

Dear Diary,

Red got drunk and put his foot through my laptop. I told him it was no big deal, 'cause he was really upset about it, but of course it's a big deal! Laptops cost more than Red's foot is worth! Luckily, it was still under warranty and they didn't ask too many questions about how it ended up that way. But still. URGH! Why am I always cleaning up after drunk people?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-07-01 3:27 PM

Because you never get drunk with them, so you're the only one conscious enough to clean up? Not that I'm recommending underage drinking. You've probably seen enough of the negative affects to know better, I suppose.

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Nocturne

2008-07-01 6:01 PM

…You've given me a lot to think about.

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* * *

17 July 2008 10:42 AM

**I Just Realized…**

Dear Diary,

It seems like I left my hometown last week, maybe, but in September I'll be going to my senior year of high school. It'll be my third year there, since I was a freshman back home. It's hard to believe that something that seemed endless before is almost over. I have to start thinking about the future. Where do I want to go, and what do I want to do? What do I need to do to achieve my goals? What even are my goals? I guess… I need to use this summer to answer those questions.

Ya know, I always dreamed of going to college with my best friend. Once I grew up a bit, I realized how impossible that was. He's a genius. I'm a music geek. There's no way it would be good for either of us to go to the same college. And, of course, he still isn't returning my calls or emails. I really don't want to let go of something that was so important to me, but this has been going on for two whole years. Maybe it's time to step back, and let him decide if he can live without my phone calls and emails. Maybe if I drop off the map, he'll get off his ass and get back to me.

And maybe he won't. Maybe he just doesn't want anything to do with me. I hope not, though. I think… he was probably my first love, though I won't tell him that. That's in the past, and I don't want things to be awkward if he ever decides to start talking to me again.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-07-17 11:05 AM

If you want to meet your best friend again, maybe you should look into schools with good programs in both of your interests. He might be thinking that way too. A new possibility has occurred to me. Maybe he's avoiding you because he thinks he'll miss you less that way. If he can't actually see you, he'd rather not hear your voice, or read your words.

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Nocturne

2008-07-17 11:29 AM

I'll do that. Thanks. :)

…Webcams exist for a reason. Pretty much this exact reason.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-07-17 11:53 AM

But what is seeing someone without being able to touch them, or smell them? Part of the experience of "seeing" someone is lost by not being physically there with them.

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Nocturne

2008-07-17 12:27 PM

…I see what you mean. Plus the image would be all grainy.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-07-17 12:45 PM

Hi-def cameras do not complement most people.

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* * *

30 July 2008 11:22 AM

**Soo…**

Dear Diary,

I started researching colleges. It turns out that there're actually a few schools that are good technically and musically. There's only one that's really known for the collaboration of the arts and sciences, though. That'll be my target.

…I should probably start practicing for my audition. It's a really good school, and I'm gonna have to work my ass off to get in. Even if he doesn't end up going there, it'll probably still be worth it. I could actually have a future. Isn't that amazing?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-07-30 12:26 PM

Work hard.

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Nocturne

2008-07-30 1:05 PM

Of course!

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-07-30 1:17 PM

Oh? That's an "of course?"

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Nocturne

2008-07-30 1:34 PM

…Meanie.

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* * *

21 August 2008 10:13 PM

**La di da…**

Dear Diary,

I wrote a song for my audition. It doesn't have any words, but I wrote it for… well, you can guess, right? I've been practicing like crazy. I'm driving my sister nuts, but she'll be leaving for college really soon. Silverfish, too. The band's gonna break up. I need to focus on my audition anyway, but it's sad. I'll still see Blondie at school, and Red finally asked Blondie out, so he'll be around, but it won't be the same, ya know?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-08-22 8:02 AM

I'm sure you can handle keeping in touch.

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Nocturne

2008-08-22 5:34 PM

…Are you trying to be funny?

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-08-22 6:12 PM

You caught me.

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* * *

6 September 2008 6:59 AM

**Heh heh.**

Dear Illusion,

Say it.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-09-06 7:18 AM

I can't imagine what you might be talking about.

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Nocturne

2008-09-06 7:34 AM

I'm hurt.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-09-06 7:40 AM

I'm joking. Happy Birthday. You're legal now, aren't you?

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Nocturne

2008-09-06 7:54 AM

Very legal. I still can't drink or rent cars, but they don't count.

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* * *

19 September 2008 4:49 PM

**I'm Ready.**

Dear Diary,

I scheduled my audition. My application is done already. I've got all of the audition songs memorized. I'm ready, and I still have a month left.

Well, I guess I could try calling a certain someone again…

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-09-19 5:09 PM

This must be the first time you've prepared in advance. Isn't it rewarding?

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Nocturne

2008-09-20 7:36 AM

…Dork.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-09-20 4:17 PM

Why, thank you.

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* * *

19 October 2008 5:02 PM

**It's Done.**

Dear Diary,

I auditioned. It's out of my hands now. Personally, I think I rocked that audition, but I won't actually know that until December. Now, Red and Blondie are going to take me out to celebrate it being over.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-10-19 5:52 PM

Don't party too hard. You have school tomorrow.

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* * *

20 October 2008 1:29 AM

…**Dammit Red.**

Dear Diary,

I'm drunk. Red's idea of celebrating was going to a club and getting Blondie and I drunk. Bastard. I'm gonna kill him. The same goes for anyone else who tries to cop a feel tonight. F-ing perverts. I don't even know how Red managed it. He's underage too.

Love,

Demyx

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-10-20 6:43 AM

So, I take it you're a molestable drunk.

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Nocturne

2008-10-20 9:26 AM

Of all the possibilities, it had to be that one. Apparently, I'm super bubbly when I've had two drinks.

Skipping school today.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-10-20 4:58 PM

…You don't remember? How many drinks did you have?

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Nocturne

2008-10-20 7:12 PM

Red just kept handing me drinks… I don't know how many. I shouldn't have taken them.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-10-21 7:03 AM

Damn right. I thought you were smarter than that.

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Nocturne

2008-10-21 7:26 AM

…I'm sorry.

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* * *

15 November 2008 12:12 PM

**Sister**

Dear Diary,

My sister's coming home for Thanksgiving soon.

…Am I a bad person for hoping that she missed me? She'd notice not having someone to scream at, right?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-11-15 1:43 PM

…Is that the extent of your relationship?

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Nocturne

2008-11-15 2:28 PM

Pretty much. I annoy her.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-11-15 2:41 PM

That could be her… rather warped way of showing affection.

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Nocturne

2008-11-15 3:16 PM

Really? So you think she missed me?

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-11-15 3:34 PM

Undoubtedly.

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* * *

1 December 2008 3:59 PM

**…**

Dear Diary,

Two things. First, my sister hugged me when I met her at the airport, and told me how much she missed me. Then she described to me, in detail, what she would do to… Well, it was her version of the old stereotype of dad sitting on the porch with a shotgun. Eheh…

Second, I found out about the results of my audition and application today.

…

…

…

I got in!

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-12-01 4:29 PM

Congratulations. You deserve it. Your hard work clearly paid off.

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Nocturne

2008-12-01 5:32 PM

Thanks. :) You work hard too, Illusion.

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-12-02 7:28 AM

Work hard? I don't remember telling you that I was trying to do something requiring hard work…

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Nocturne

2008-12-02 8:01 AM

But there is something, right? I know you can do it!

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-12-02 4:15 PM

…Thank you.

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* * *

31 December 2008 11:23 PM

**Huh…**

Dear Diary,

Another year is ending. It's weird.

Yes, all my relatives are drunk. It's getting pretty easy to ignore them. Oh, I'm writing this from the roof, btw. I'm the only one up here, so it's nice and peaceful.

It's also ridiculously cold. Why did I think this was a good idea? Oh right, it's pretty. And drunken relatives don't have the motor skills to get up here. Well, here's to another year with you, Illusion.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2008-12-31 11:43 PM

I'm on the roof of my house as well. It boasts quite a nice view. I haven't mentioned this before, but my relatives have a bit of a drinking problem as well. Tomorrow _is_ National Hangover Day, after all.

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Nocturne

2008-12-31 11:47 PM

Seriously? Well, if it's a national holiday…

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Lose Your Illusion

2008-12-31 11:51 PM

Don't do anything stupid. You remember what happened last time, right?

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Nocturne

2008-12-31 11:58 PM

Of course. Well, as much as I can remember from that night, anyway. I was just joking, anyway.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-01-01 12:00 AM

Good. Happy New Year.

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* * *

11 January 2009 4:09 PM

**Silverfish**

Dear Diary,

Silverfish left today. I probably never mentioned him coming back at all, did I? Whoops. He came home for winter break, and the band got back together for a few shows. Ya know what? I'm glad the band had to break up. It's not that I don't like playing with them, but… those three were friends long before I came into the picture. They have what me and my best friend had. They're all great friends, but that band was their dream. I was just along for the ride. Bye bye, Tears of Flame.

My sister left today too. She'd punch me for saying it, but I kind of miss her…

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-01-11 7:47 PM

You've grown up.

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Nocturne

2009-01-11 9:11 PM

You don't need to tell me that. I can tell.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-01-11 9:43 PM

I think it deserves recognition.

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Nocturne

2009-01-12 6:54 AM

You think everything I do deserves recognition.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-01-12 7:21 AM

Is that wrong?

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* * *

14 February 2009 9:16 AM

**This Again.**

Dear Diary,

It's Valentines Day. It's also a Saturday. What does that mean?

It means I'm safe from all the stuff that I hate about this holiday! I win.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-02-14 9:58 AM

But aren't you part of the system now? You have someone you like, don't you?

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Nocturne

2009-02-14 10:41 AM

…I do, but… don't ask anymore, okay?

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-02-14 11:01 AM

Very well.

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* * *

28 February 2009 10:19 AM

**Hey…**

Dear Diary,

I just realized something… From here on out, my grades don't matter anymore. I got into college. Everyone else started slacking off partway through January, but I just realized that I could. I don't really wanna, though. I'm gonna keep going strong. It just feels like something I should do, ya know?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-02-28 12:09 PM

You may find that, at the end of the year, this decision has served you well. Although, colleges rarely deny admission to music students with one semester of bad grades. They say that admission for music students is 90% based on their audition.

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Nocturne

2009-02-28 1:34 PM

Good point. Well, there's no harm in working hard, right?

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-02-28 3:01 PM

Of course.

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* * *

19 March 2009 5:07 PM

**Huh?**

Dear Diary,

I got a really weird letter today. It didn't have a return address, and all the letter said was "I'll be waiting," with the letters cut out of newspapers. Am I being stalked, or something?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-03-19 6:41 PM

That certainly is bizarre. Perhaps, just in case, you shouldn't go anywhere alone for the time being.

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Nocturne

2009-03-19 8:23 PM

Yeah…

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* * *

20 April 2009 6:09 PM

**Hm.**

Dear Diary,

I haven't gotten any more weird letters. I wonder what that means? Eh. I guess it's better this way. I don't have a stalker, anyway.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-04-20 7:18 PM

…You're awfully nonchalant about this.

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Nocturne

2009-04-21 8:01 AM

Well, nothing else happened, right? So it's fine.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-04-21 5:32 PM

Very well.

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* * *

9 May 2009 2:21 PM

**She's Back.**

Dear Diary,

My sister is home for the summer. She just happened to come back on the same night as Silverfish, so we were "celebrating." The way that Red prefers to celebrate, of course. I've never seen Red so scared. Then again, she did threaten to cut open his stomach, castrate him, make him eat his balls, take them out of his open stomach, and make him eat them again. Rinse, lather and repeat.

And that is what happens when my big sister thinks you're trying to make me drunk and vulnerable.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-05-09 4:42 PM

At least there's someone looking out for you. I was beginning to worry.

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Nocturne

2009-05-09 5:36 PM

You wouldn't be saying that if you were on the receiving end of one of her threats…

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-05-10 6:54 AM

I believe I am above reproach.

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* * *

9 June 2009 9:43 AM

**I'd Punch You.**

Dear Illusion,

You're another year older, and though I have no idea how old that makes you, I'm grateful that you're still here.

But seriously, if I could touch you, and if I knew how old you are, I'd give you birthday punches. Secretive asshole.

Much Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-06-09 10:09 AM

Just because you put the intimate details of your life in a public forum does not obligate me to do that same. That said, thank you for the birthday wishes. My younger sister is performing the duty that you mentioned, though she lacks the arm strength to do any damage.

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Nocturne

2009-06-09 10:35 AM

…Thank your sister for me.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-06-09 12:47 PM

Of course.

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* * *

14 June 2009 1:18 PM

**Graduation**

Dear Diary,

I graduated high school yesterday! Until I go to college in August, I'm officially a drain on society!

…At which point I return to being a drain on my parents. So, I got a job. It's in a library. It's the kind of job that my best friend would have abandoned me for, easily. Bookworm. I can sorta understand the appeal, though. Up on those shelves is the result of thousands of years of human civilization. That's kind of cool.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-06-14 2:03 PM

Are you actually reading any of those books?

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Nocturne

2009-06-14 2:31 PM

…Some of them. Mostly just music theory.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-06-14 3:48 PM

Better than nothing, I suppose.

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* * *

4 July 2009 8:13 PM

**Alone on the Roof**

Dear Diary,

I'm on the roof again, waiting for the fireworks to start. I wonder if he's doing the same thing, wherever he is…

I should really stop doing holidays alone. I was invited to a party, but I didn't go. What's wrong with me?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-07-04 8:24 PM

I can't speak for him, but I for one am doing the same thing.

…Do you really want an answer to that question?

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Nocturne

2009-07-04 8:37 PM

You suck.

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-07-04 8:43 PM

Someone's awfully hostile lately.

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* * *

15 August 2009 9:52 AM

***gulp***

Dear Diary,

I'll arrive at my college tomorrow. I'm scared. What if I'm not good enough? What if he's not there? What if I can't make any new friends? What if… Yeah, I'm driving my Mom nuts. She's the one driving me and all my stuff there, and I've been asking questions like that since dawn. Hmm… I guess it would be cheaper for my family if my mom killed me before the first tuition payment.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-08-15 12:57 PM

You'll be fine. They wouldn't have let you in if you weren't good enough.

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Nocturne

2009-08-15 2:37 PM

Hey… you're right! I forgot about that.

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* * *

17 August 2009 8:13 AM

**Orientation**

Dear Diary,

I'm settled in, and I've got about two hours before I need to be anywhere. I've only had a day of Orientation, but I think they're trying to kill us. I'm exhausted.

…Why did I wake up this early?

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-08-17 8:20 AM

Because the orientation counselors have you trained to live on almost no sleep. Amazing how fast you learn.

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Nocturne

2009-08-17 8:24 AM

…Are you here too?

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Lose Your Illusion

2009-08-17 8:30 AM

I wonder.

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* * *

20 August 2009 9:05 AM

**I Have Something to Say.**

Dear Illusion,

There's something important that I need to tell you, but I don't know how to start. I don't know if I even should start. If I say this, you might go away. That thought scares me more than anything else in the world. You've done what my best friend always did for me: listened. I can't lose that again.

But… I can't let this go unsaid. If you tell me that you won't leave, no matter what I say, I'll tell you.

Love,

Nocturne

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-08-20 9:06 AM

Look outside.

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* * *

I was pretty confused when I read that, but I did what he said. When I saw what was waiting for me outside, I threw open the window and stuck my head outside.

"Zexion?" My voice was trembling. After all, standing underneath my window, smiling up at me behind his curtain of grayish-blue hair, was my one and only best friend and first love.

"Demyx," he replied calmly, as if he hadn't completely vanished for three years. His smile vanished when my shoe collided with his head.

"You jerk! What have you been doing for all this time? Didn't you say you'd keep in touch?" I readied my other shoe.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about," he replied, wearing a knowing smile. "Haven't we been corresponding for all that time?"

"What are you…" I stopped. Then I put the pieces together. "You're Lose Your Illusion, aren't you?"

"At your service," Zexion agreed, bowing elegantly.

"But, then… you… and I… oh my… god…" I babbled, while Zexion's smile only grew.

"Demyx," he began in a strong, clear voice, interrupting my confusion, "get down here and kiss me."

Maybe I shouldn't have jumped out the window.

* * *

30 September 2009 5:17 AM

**Goodbye.**

Dear Diary,

This is goodbye. I have the person that I really needed back. It was fun while it lasted.

All my love,

Demyx

* * *

Lose Your Illusion

2009-09-30 5:18 AM

Come back to bed.

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Nocturne

2009-09-30 5:19 AM

Okay~

(Reply to this post)

THE END

AN: So, what d'ya think?


End file.
